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Cancer: Half Way Through Treatment
Let's face it, Chemotherapy is tough. Filling your body full of toxic chemicals in the belief that it'll do you good? That's a paradox.
Chemo 3 was the 'holding pattern' Chemotherapy that they added because the next phase of treatment, Radiotherapy, was still a month away. No point in giving my tumour a chance to grow again hey? I agreed totally, but being on that 5FU pump for the third time was absolutely horrendous. I've never known anything like it.
I had the full day of Chemo on the Thursday then spend Friday to Tuesday throwing up, running to the loo and generally having a terrible time. Every joint in my body ached and so did the bits in between! I had zero energy, was completely off my food and if I did eat something, one bite and I was done.
It all felt like a bit of a dream; as if I wasn't quite conscious but wasn't asleep either. Maybe 'dream' isn't the right word? Maybe it was a four day nightmare.
"There was a couple of occasions, in the dark of the night, that I thought I was checking out!"
Kirsty took me to Northampton General Hospital on Tuesday and thankfully they removed the 5FU pump and I started to feel better by the next day. I slept a lot during the week as I recovered - I needed too - but after a few days was beginning to feel human again.
Kirsty and I had a conversation last week about how my treatment was going and I was horrified to learn that while on Chemo, I turn into a bit of a bitch.
I suppose it makes sense that being filled with toxic chemicals would change a personality but yes, I was noticing that things were irritating me somewhat. I was making judgements about people and commenting on their behaviours, whereas normally I wouldn't dream of acting that way!
You know I'm one of the least judgemental people in the world and I understand completely that 'the map is not the territory'. Other people's views on the world, their motivations and their behaviours will not always match mine and when we accept - and even embrace - that knowledge, the world becomes a better place.
"It wasn't me being the bitch, it was me combined with Chemotherapy that was changing my personality. Thank goodness it was only a temporary effect!"
I was a bit horrified by our conversation and felt incredibly guilty about the way I was acting, but I was glad Kirsty and I could have a frank talk like that. She is such a good friend and a highly trusted confidante.
So I've got my energy back, my personality has returned to it's usually happy go lucky self and I'm sleeping really well again. I spent this weekend in my garden weeding and tidying up ready for Autumn to hit later in the month. I've got a lot of Tomatoes still ripening on the vine and many a Bee still taking an interest my French Lavender bushes.
And the week ahead looks great too! With the Sumer holidays at an end and all the little people back at school, my clients are firing off submissions to the sblogit.com queues and I'm looking forward to a full-on week of editing.
But most of all, I'm looking forward to a week of no medical appointments!
Love, light and logic ...
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About Steffi Lewis ...